Bhella Be

Agency-represented Actress and Model, Contributing Journalist/Editor *www.HB-Cult.com,+ Freelance* Photographer *-Freelance*... Muse... Administrative Coordinator w/two NPO's... Rising, shining, HappyHeart... L(i/O)veLife. Love Always, ~bhellA!

Vulnerability and RIP Uncle B.

Strange thing happened today… Tonight, really. I managed to tap into my awareness, my emotions, as they were. I realized that I had not acknowledged my own feelings in far too long. 

What I really needed tonight was a hug, a sweet person in my life to take me into their arms and just give me a hug. Now. -I could have asked for that hug, but it didn’t even occur to me that the option was available. 

Instead. I do what I normally do. -Forget that I have A) Needs. B) Preferences. C) A tragic inability to express my needs and/or preferences, especially to those that can assist me in acquiring said needs or preferences. 

More strange than my awareness that I lack the vulnerability possible to have my needs met, I realized how depressing it is to keep NOT getting what I want because I have a hard time expressing myself in any way that would make me feel vulnerable. 

This thought process was subconsciously prompted by a conversation that I had with a Finnish woman today. We discussed the difference between our cultural backgrounds and how it may actually be better, in the long term, to develop relationships with individuals that are slow to warm up to others than those that are friendly with everyone because the slow ones are lifelong friends knowing that they have carefully selected those in their lives over a period of time. -I can respect that. :)

Okay… So moving on… I went to work today. I did a photoshoot. I loved it. I could have been aggressive and angry and slap the CRAP out of the male model. —-But I didn’t. I was scared to unleash madness on the poor guy so I did my best to hold back my life’s frustration on this dude I’ve only met once before. :X

Because in reality… This shoot was followed by a fitting which was followed by devastating news only 20 minutes prior that my Uncle Bill had passed away in a freak skiing accident. 

My heart was torn. TORN. I LOVEEEEEEEEE(d) my Uncle Bill. He was always straight and sweet with me. I never felt like he was playing me because I was a kid or just ‘cause he could. Adults could be weird like that. I didn’t see him a lot but I always think of him when I think of my uncles. :)

Oh my dears Aunt Sita and cousin Dub. I love you, babies. I love you soOo much!!! From me, Bee 2 and LB1: Love. In the most vulnerable ways. Love, in the only way, like a pinched nerve or an exposed vein- unconditionally with everything we have.

Love Always,

~bhellA!

And again:::

Cryptic to avoid vulnerable
Vulnerable when faced with demise
It’s not until this point, though
That the C is removed as disguise

It’s a well, it’s deep
The crypt, It’s a sea
A place where I meet
And deal with the ghosts of me

Vulner 
-To wound
I wouldn’t dare let them get so close
As to prove

That I could be a crip 
That I could release my grip
On all these feel-ings
And things

Let it go
Just let it all B(h)e
There’s only been one lately
Only one I’ve gotten naked enough for… Only one to see my V.

V… Vulnerability


And again, and again, and again until I write a new story whereby I no longer find myself exposing my V in a last ditch effort to save myself. I want to function out of crisis mode… Dispose of my C, and just B… Basking in my V… The release and embrace of all truths… The New Safety. :)

So, I’m all cuddled up under blankets while submitting for creative writing competitions and I’m sick, thus not feeling extremely “creative” but doing it anyway…  I thought I would submit my poem, “V for…” originally written here on Tumblr before scrolling through years of old Bloggie blogs because I know there were some good ones there.  While trolling the nether regions of my Old Self I found a piece that reminded me of my New Self::: geez “…Although it’s a known fact that my motivation is centered around another desire to do something in the form of “nice” for someone I care about. A friend surprised me the other day. Woke me up, took me to lunch and played into my absurd behaviorial dysfunctions (seriously, poor sap) for a number of hours before helping me organize a major section of my room. He said to me that his mother always told him to be the person that people call for help, and not the person asking for help. She advised him to be the person that inspired others. Then he said, “Bhella, I’m here because you inspire me.” I almost cried. I thought about it later and just started bawling. I live my life according to what I want to do. Most times I don’t feel like doing anything, so I don’t, but it feels DAMN GOOD to know that I’m still an inspiration for doing what I feel in my bones every day. I was once in the middle of a million heartbreaks… I’m nearing the end now. On my way to a loving life… always, loving life. always, ~bhellA!” That excerpt was dated August 2008. First, I have to say that there’s a huge difference between B-Now and B-Then. Now, I attempt to do 500 things that I clearly don’t have enough time to do because I feel the need to “get things done.” (As many as humanly possible, sometimes, just to feel like I’m doing something or progressing *I like that word, “progressing!”* even when it’s best for me to rest.) I’m pretty sure that I’m in Lane 1 of the Rat Race.  The impeccable themes in my life these days:::  Creativity. I happen to be a creative. An artist. It’s innate, natural and a birthright. You’ll be hard-pressed to find me at a pottery wheel, drafting table or cutting up clothes.  My Grandma is still pestering me about doing creative things. Conveniently, I still write sometimes (though not as frequently and my entries aren’t nearly as long—- or candid, therefore, not as funny, either) and I’ve begun to speak out and up more recently. Strangely, both of my grandmas suggested public speaking last week. -They don’t even know each other! (Is it normal to have Grandparents that have never met??? -Maybe if I get married one day. *Crickets.*)  My greatest motivation is outward, not inward. Doing something really great for someone else is more likely to get me moving than my own personal interest.   I’m sleepy now so I’ll have to retire from composing this post but I find these to be very interesting concepts that I shall continue musing… Just after I submit my other pieces. :)  All the best, Always, ~bhellA!

So, I’m all cuddled up under blankets while submitting for creative writing competitions and I’m sick, thus not feeling extremely “creative” but doing it anyway… 

I thought I would submit my poem, “V for…” originally written here on Tumblr before scrolling through years of old Bloggie blogs because I know there were some good ones there. 

While trolling the nether regions of my Old Self I found a piece that reminded me of my New Self:::

geez

“…Although it’s a known fact that my motivation is centered around another desire to do something in the form of “nice”

for someone I care about. A friend surprised me the other day. Woke me up, took me to lunch and played into my absurd behaviorial dysfunctions (seriously, poor sap) for a number of hours before helping me organize a major section of my room. He said to me that his mother always told him to be the person that people call for help, and not the person asking for help. She advised him to be the person that inspired others. Then he said, “Bhella, I’m here because you inspire me.” I almost cried. I thought about it later and just started bawling. I live my life according to what I want to do. Most times I don’t feel like doing anything, so I don’t, but it feels DAMN GOOD to know that I’m still an inspiration for doing what I feel in my bones every day. I was once in the middle of a million heartbreaks… I’m nearing the end now. On my way to a loving life… always, loving life. always, ~bhellA!”


That excerpt was dated August 2008. First, I have to say that there’s a huge difference between B-Now and B-Then. Now, I attempt to do 500 things that I clearly don’t have enough time to do because I feel the need to “get things done.” (As many as humanly possible, sometimes, just to feel like I’m doing something or progressing *I like that word, “progressing!”* even when it’s best for me to rest.) I’m pretty sure that I’m in Lane 1 of the Rat Race. 

The impeccable themes in my life these days:::

  1.  Creativity. I happen to be a creative. An artist. It’s innate, natural and a birthright. You’ll be hard-pressed to find me at a pottery wheel, drafting table or cutting up clothes.
  2.  My Grandma is still pestering me about doing creative things. Conveniently, I still write sometimes (though not as frequently and my entries aren’t nearly as long—- or candid, therefore, not as funny, either) and I’ve begun to speak out and up more recently. Strangely, both of my grandmas suggested public speaking last week. -They don’t even know each other! (Is it normal to have Grandparents that have never met??? -Maybe if I get married one day. *Crickets.*)
  3.  My greatest motivation is outward, not inward. Doing something really great for someone else is more likely to get me moving than my own personal interest.  

I’m sleepy now so I’ll have to retire from composing this post but I find these to be very interesting concepts that I shall continue musing… Just after I submit my other pieces. :) 

All the best,

Always,

~bhellA!

Went to the beach today. It started with a nap. Hand/palm-bagged sand crabs.

Climbed a rock. Watched the tide. Sprinted across the sand as it ebbed and cried

                [-Tied.]

Held a hand as my feet sank into the tiny granules and the water washed over us.

                [Total Solar]

Eclipse. 

It was one of the sweetest things I’ve ever known.

Always,

~bhellA!

Making My Face

For a fitting this afternoon, I didn’t have any tools. I was so frustrated and I said to myself, “I wish I had some brushes.” Last week, I wished for lipliner and fun color eyeliners. When I got to school, I saw my favorite librarian. She told me that I should wear eyeliner. I told her that I had some on, but she said, “No, something with COLOR! Purple or royal blue.” By now I was having a halfway miserable day. *Finals, detoxing the body and moving house compound stress to no end.* I left class early to attend to my Inner Bee and determine that it’s time to check the mail. I get there late and I’m locked out. -Great! :X Someone surprises me from the inside and lets me in… What do I have? Bills and a BOX! :D Lol. I walk around downtown SD looking for a moment to relax- Downtown works my nerves. Finally I open my box and inside I find a handwritten card and beautiful makeup brushes with lip and eyeliners! 

Why did this box of Everything-I-Asked-For appear? Because I took a little bit of time from a few of my days to help someone else achieve their dreams. What I did just a couple weeks ago cast such a light that it was able to reflect the beauty of positivity on a day that looked so bleak to me earlier. 

I effing love my life. 

I love the people in my life that helped to make this possible. I love me for not being too stubborn to accept a gift for my efforts. And I love Donna Mee cosmetic brushes. :)

Always,

~bhellA!

(Source: bhellabell.com)

Cute everything! —Look at her little cat’s cradle shoes!

Cute everything!

—Look at her little cat’s cradle shoes!

(Source: aetholove)

Don't Believe in Miracles, DEPEND ON THEM!

This morning I read my email as usual, reading the spiritual notes first. When I got to the Daily Word by Rev Run, I recognized it as one of my all-time favorites:::

Good morning. You can think nothing is a miracle. The other way to think is everything’s a miracle. (Me???) I don’t believe in miracles I depend on them!
God is Love

I don’t know about you but I’ve definitely got some miracles to depend on right now. As one part of my life begins to take off, one seems to be disintegrating before my very eyes and it is beyond devastating to say the least. I pray for grace all hours of the day and into the night knowing that it will take a sum far greater than myself to render me the phoenix necessary to take flight from some of these situations.

                                                        …Or so I thought…

Tonight my mommy and I counted how many major vehicle accidents I’ve been in since we could remember. We counted 1 spinout, 1 faulty hood (flew up and shattered the windshield), 1 motorcycle, 1 t-bone, 2 rear-ends, 2 blowouts, 4 times into mounds, gates, other cars and walls, 1 bus accident, and 1 rollover (4 flips).  Doctors told me that I’d never again walk without a limp or even be able to wear heels after the rollover.

                   [Haven’t you heard?! —-I RAWK runways!]

Bhella-Monee Bell Aveda Fashion Show-Bride

^Aveda Fashion Show, I walked as the Bride!^

Miracles don’t always fall out of thin air. My greatest miracles have come from walking on my own broken feet. Literally. Sometimes a miracle is built on the tenacity and persistence to keep moving forward despite increased obstacles. Other miracles come from having the divine grace to bow out of an overwhelming situation. Whatever the circumstance, don’t you DARE allow anyone to tell you that you cannot do something. Ever! Believe in yourself. 

                                I believe in you. :)

Now watch the video, if you haven’t already. It inspired me to no end and reminded me how much I adore yoga, how it changed my life dramatically for the better, but above all, watching this man’s story after speaking to my mother ignited a fire within me that I didn’t even realize was less than abundant:

                                                      I Am. I Can. I Will. I Do.

I can do this. In fact, I can do anything positive that I put my mind to and the Universe will conspire to help me along my journey. :)

I have a phoenix within me that wants to spread her wings and fly. 

I Am. I Can. I Will. I Do. 

And you, too. Remember that and say it to yourself: I Am. I Can. I Will. I Do.


Now “Just Do It!” ;)


Love Always,

~bhellA!

Having a Standard For Yourself

Hi Guys,

So I was cleaning my bathroom this morning when I thought about standards. I thought about the standards of cleanliness that I have. Personally, I think that the two cleanest places in a home should be the kitchen and the bathroom. Doesn’t it make sense to have a clean bathroom, or else, how would we get clean? Isn’t it best to have a clean kitchen, since that’s where we cook and that food will go into our system to digest and become the energy that?! I meannnn! 

This thought process turned into: What other standards do I have for myself ? I thought about my educational goals and accomplishments that I have already hit professionally. I took a moment to think about guys that I have had in my life romantically and other people that have shared space in my personal life. I like people. I am the quintessential “People Person.” I will talk to almost anyone and I’m super friendly (when I’m in that mode- I can also be a hermit and keep to myself, but I’m always cordial at the very least!).  I love learning and I especially appreciate hearing the stories of others from all walks of life. It’s very interesting for me.

The introspection led me to question my standards for people. What kind of people do I keep in my life? Is there a set of values that I use? At which point do I decide that a person is no longer welcome in my life? 

If there is a standard in your life that you feel you are not living up to, whether it be material, financial, personal or professional, LIVE UP! Live up to your potential. Live up to your standards, live up to yourself. Don’t accept less if that’s not what you want. 

L(i/O)veLife! 

Love Always,
~bhellA! 

Measuring Standards

I’m Allergic to My Environment

I noticed, this morning that I began sniffling and sneezing when I left my room this morning. I had the same thing occur when I went to bed last night. 

A friend of mine once pointed out that I have physical reactions to my outer environment… It’s WELL beyond time for me to leave this one; I don’t know how I made it so long through hives, coughs, sniffles and sneezing… Oh the ways that we torture ourselves. 

…But now it’s just a matter of days! :)

Throwback from my Justin.tv days. From my Curse Like a SailorStar days. From my… “I TOTALLY LOST MY MIND BECAUSE OF HUNGER” days. This just made my night, it’s so funny. More significantly, it’s a life note. I see where I was, note where I am, and I’m reminded of where I want to be. :)

L(i/<3)veLife!

Love Always,

~bhellA!

[Just in Case the embed doesn’t work for you::: http://www.justin.tv/bhellabell/b/258477072]

Among my more awesome, incredible, amazing (three most overused words in my vocabulary) experiences ever! :) [L(i/&lt;3)veLife!] Love Always, ~bhellA!

Among my more awesome, incredible, amazing (three most overused words in my vocabulary) experiences ever! :)

[L(i/<3)veLife!]

Love Always,

~bhellA!